Rudy Trips the Light Fantastic

 

Rudy Sturgis was a middle-aged man in possession of few social skills.

Whenever he took stock of his life he would wonder what he could do to increase his popularity and expand a social life that might be charitably called stagnant.

Then one day a friend suggested he take dance lessons.

Being able to dance, the friend explained, would open any number of doors for him. “Women are always looking for men to dance with. The possibilities are endless.”

While the reasoning made sense, Rudy struggled with the concept. He had never danced in his life, and he figured he would be so nervous and clumsy that any potential partner would eventually give up after the many times he would step on her foot.

Plus, he thought, how could he dance in public? He convinced himself that, although he had never met anyone who had been ignored more by the rest of mankind than himself, all eyes in the room would be on him once he stepped onto the dance floor.

But the friend persisted and one day Rudy, looking for something to spice up his life, drove down to Ruthanne’s School of Dance to sign up for dance lessons.

The sign in front of her building read “Learn to dance and turn your life around.” Rudy liked the idea of turning his life around. Once he stepped inside he encountered a life-sized cutout of Fred Astaire with the quotation “Ruthanne will teach you to dance like a pro."

As Rudy pondered the sign Ruthanne Littleton, a slightly built woman of 72, approached him.

“Hi,” she said cheerfully. “Welcome to Ruthanne’s School of Dance.”

“Thank you,” Rudy said. “I was looking at your sign. Did you know Fred Astaire?”

“Well, that all depends on what you mean by know. Do you mean know as in the Biblical sense, or know as in the ‘Hi Fred, how’s it going?’ sense, or know as in the ‘I’ve never met you but if I had met you I know you would tell everyone what a wonderful dance teacher I am, and you might even have had a torrid love affair with me' sense.”

Rudy didn’t know what to say, so he just stared at Ruthanne in silence.

“So, what kind of dancing would you like to learn? Ballroom? Salsa? Tango? Rumba?”

“I’ve never danced. I have no idea where to even start.”

“Oh, then you’ll want to sign up for our beginner’s special. We’ll teach you all the basics. It’s just $200 for four lessons.”

Now, $200 was a lot of money to Rudy, who worked in a local auto parts store and made a little extra cash selling homemade wooden napkin rings on Ebay. But, he was desperate enough to sign up.

On the day of his first lesson Rudy arrived with an open mind, or at least as open a mind as someone convinced he was facing inevitable failure could have. Ruthanne greeted him cheerfully and led him into the studio.

She left and returned a few minutes later with a life-size inflatable woman wearing a white blouse and gray skirt.

“This is Doris,” Ruthanne said to Rudy. “She’ll be your partner.”

“My partner? But she’s an inflatable woman. Don’t I get to dance with a real woman?”

“Rudy, let me tell you the reality of business. Do you know how much it costs me to hire real women to dance with the customers? It’s cost prohibited. Then if you give them too many hours they want benefits, like health care. I can’t afford that. How do you think I keep the costs down? It’s with partners like Doris here.”

“But how can I learn to dance with a partner that’s not a real person?”

“Good question. That’s where our unique Magic Steps system comes into play.”

Ruthanne walked over to a side wall and pointed down to the floor.

“Do you see these footprints painted on the floor? This is our slow dance area. You just grab your partner, align your feet with the starting point and move them along the painted footsteps. It’s simple.”

Rudy was skeptical, but he tried it. After his four lessons he had to admit he had a general idea of how to slow dance.

“Rudy, you’ve done great,” Ruthanne told him after his last lesson. “I think it’s time you took it to the next level. You should now work on learning some different types of dances.”

So Rudy signed up for more lessons. Ruthanne had sets of footprints painted on different areas of the dance floor to teach the various dance steps. Rudy’s partners turned out to be more inflatable women.

There was Maria for the tango, Lola for salsa, Annie for square dancing, Peggy for the jitterbug and Monique for the waltz.

After weeks and weeks of lessons, Ruthanne told Rudy that he was ready to perform in the school’s upcoming dance recital. Finally, he thought, he would be able to dance with a real person.

Rudy invited all his friends to the recital. Actually, Rudy didn't have many friends, but he did manage to get three people to show up with the promise he would buy them hamburgers after the show.

He arrived at the hall the night of the recital.

“Are you ready to go?” Ruthanne asked.

“I’m ready. Where are the other students?”

There are no other students. I’m afraid business has been kind of slow, with the economy and all.”

“But if there're no other students who am I going to dance with?"

Ruthanne led him behind the closed curtain. There were all the inflatable women he had danced with lined up in a row.

“You want me to dance with inflatable women in front of all those people out there? I’ll make a fool out of myself.”

Ruthanne gently put her hand on Rudy’s shoulder.

“Haven’t you ever heard the expression the show must go on? And besides, do you really think they had that high of an opinion of you to begin with?”

Rudy had to agree that Ruthanne had a point. So he took his place on stage, and when the curtain opened he saw the hall was empty except for his three friends.

He danced with Doris and Maria and Lola and Annie and Peggy and Monique. Then he and his friends went out for hamburgers.

In the end, Rudy didn’t know how much of his dance lessons he would put to use. But he did see one positive in the experience.

Where else was he going to meet a nice French girl like Monique?